Improving Intimate Partnerships: Healing the Split Between Conscious and Unconscious Like a Pro: Ten Basic Steps
In late June, I am heading to France for my first trip to Paris in twenty years, which inspired me to brush up on mon français. I happened to come across the YouTube channel of a great French teacher, Alexa, and recommend her website, “Learn French with Alexa,” for anyone looking for beginner’s lessons. She has a goofy way of instruction but also gives her listeners practical knowledge— I wish I’d had her in college! Her videos are short, user-friendly. First, Alexa tells a story, then she uses some basic rudimentary French to explain the story, with each subsequent lesson built on top of the former, until greater mastery is achieved. Voilà!
This made me think: Well, learning psychological depth and healing is not unlike learning a language or mastering a musical skill. I mean, no one can learn how to play Beethoven overnight! Figuring out how to heal oneself takes time and a love of learning. . . as well as an ability to withstand pain.
I have a lot of knowledge garnered over thirty years of providing therapy, building LGBTQ psychological institutions, and being an author as well as a ton of suffering. The problem, however, is that it’s protected knowledge— it’s not readily available to others who may need it. It’s like you know there is a really great medication that will help you feel oh-so-much better but you can’t get the medicine without a prescription.
So, here’s my idea: I want to provide a service and teach you how to do your own self-analysis without that necessary prescription. Oddly enough, it was Alexa’s French review that showed me it’s possible to learn difficult things in a fun way—through storytelling!
Disclaimer: Everything I’m about to share with you will be a hundred times easier for you to master if you have a therapist. Just being honest. In a separate blog, I’ll talk about some common misconceptions about what therapy looks like, what it does, and who it is for. If you’ve been hit hard by the pandemic, don’t worry! I’ll also shed some light on some resources for low-cost therapy, plus some that also specifically target the black, indigenous, people of color communities.
For now, I’m going to apply Sigmund Freud’s basic concept of how the mind is split into a “conscious” and the “unconscious,” along with some ideas I’ve developed about how to heal this split so we can have better relationships.
For simplicity’s sake, let’s say the conscious is what we are aware of, and the unconscious is that of which we are not aware. Most of what (and who) we are is unconscious, but for some reason, we turn our back on this part of our identity. All this does is furthers the split between one part of the mind and the other.
I promised there’d be stories, right? Here’s a hypothetical one: Imagine you are having a wonderfully nice day with your intimate partner. You are laughing at a movie, getting endorphins on a hike, or having a nice dinner on date night. Maybe there is alcohol (or any other types of inducement). Maybe there’s even great sex. Everything is going great—until, suddenly, it’s not.
What happened?
Nothing much, except for a small comment from your partner that hit you in a big way. The laughter turns to silence, a silence which drags into a long, torturous hour. This silence takes you through dinner, then the car ride home, and now into the bedroom. You know you feel angry, or maybe hurt, but you also know that you don’t trust yourself to bring these charged feelings to the surface of your own mind, let alone to discuss with your partner. You don’t trust your emotions.The thoughts buzzing in your mind sound bitter or even passive aggressive, and you don’t know how your partner will receive your feedback.
So, you try to break the ice, but of course, your partner gets pissed at how you go about this. They glare at you and ask, “Why are you throwing shit up in my face? Why did you ruin a great day?”
Now you are getting attacked for trying to break the ice, and it hurts. But, instead of being vulnerable, you lash out at them.
Eventually, both voices are raised. One of you slams a door. One of you sleeps in another room. You cry. You can’t sleep—but the sound of your partner snoring in the other room makes you even more furious.
At some point during the night, there is further conflict. Nothing, it is decided, can be resolved. One of you says “we should part ways.” The other replies, “I’m calling an Uber.” Why isn’t anyone interrupting the emotional violence? Why don’t either of you take a step back to observe what’s going on, or to hit rewind to figure out what the heck happened?!
How did you go from a happy couple one moment to enemies the next?
It’s because the entire day was characterized by mixed feelings that were ignored and shut underground rather than given a chance to breathe. Both of you just hoped these feelings would disappear.
Basically, both of you were immature.
Where did this immaturity come from? Why did it have to strike today, of all days?
Well, we need to turn back to Freud. The part of us that is aware of what is happening is called the “ego,” and the ego is incredibly fragile.
Don’t get this confused with the word “egoistical,” which we use in everyday parlance to mean “self-centered.” In psychology, the ego is simply an agency within us that we want to strengthen.
Freud considered the mind to be divided into three parts: (1) The Id (our infantile drives to love and hate); (2) our Superego (The Attacking Inner Parent); and (3) the Ego (the mediator between these different parts, as well as the mediator between us and the world).
Mediating is stressful, and too much stress makes the ego weak. For many of us, our egos are weakened from childhood trauma, parental conflict, and issues like homophobia, racism, and sexism. Because the ego is dealing with so much stress, it doesn’t notice what is going on in the unconscious—those memories, feelings, emotions, and thoughts simmering just below the surface.
How can we strengthen the ego? By treating it as a muscle that needs training, nutrition, and hard-work.
I mean, think about it: How hard is it to go to the gym when you already feel exhausted from a long day at work? It’s much easier to skip and watch Netflix, right?
We all run from psychological work because we run from accepting our weaknesses. But this weakness is the only way to start.
I don’t think we run because we are “lazy” or “cowardly.” I just don’t think most of us get the help we need on a daily basis to train and strengthen our weakened egos!
While we suffer from the split between our conscious and unconscious—between the ego and the rest of our personality—the “powers-that-be” benefit, we get stuck in a vicious cycle that causes us to lash out at our partner over something trivial. (For simplicity’s sake, let’s say the unconscious is what we are really feeling).
So, here are some suggestions for healing that painful split.
Remember that lovely time you and your partner were having? There were no problems, just laughs and intimacy? How did it all fall apart?
Well, there could be all kinds of reasons. Maybe you and your partner are navigating differences in race, age, or religion. Maybe you are both queer, but one of you is also polyamorous, and you haven’t yet addressed those issues. Maybe one of you is ready for physical intimacy and the other isn’t. Love is complicated, so there’s no end to the possibility of problems you and your partner might be facing!
But I’ll keep it simple. The truth of the matter is this: both of you have a lot going on beneath the surface of your respective egos.
And a part of you each knew, in some way, that there was a lot going on! You just decided not to talk about it.
Maybe your partner didn’t like how you looked at another man, or you didn’t like how he looked at his phone when you were talking. You didn’t like that he ate popcorn so loudly, and he didn’t like the fact that you fell asleep in the movie. You thought he was talking so much. He thought you had bad breath. It could have been anything!
(By this way, this couple could be hetero or trans, just to avoid the trop of being “heteronormative”).
But because neither of you have developed a system of “tracking” your thoughts and feelings through prior work with a therapist or through journaling, you did not think to “work with” the feelings arising from your unconscious. Neither of you noticed the Screaming Baby in your unconscious mind that went off when feeling slightly injured by your partner (the ID). You did not notice the Angry Roommate shaming you for being so petty about your irritations (the superego), and you did not notice the clash between the Baby and the Roommate taking place in your mind because your ego had not been trained to identify these Inner Persons as Separate from the Ego.
You were trying to deadlift a massive weight without having strengthened your ego!
Basically, you haven’t learned yet that you both can become more aware of your inner lives, the lives right beneath the surface of the ego, and to then strengthen the ego by reaching out a hand to the unconscious.
Truth be told, there was a lot of hidden feeling happening inside both of you during this otherwise beautiful day. Despite the giggling and tickling, you each felt miserable a lot of the time. What's worse, you both refused to acknowledge to yourselves that you were feeling such misery!
Had each of you taken a break and gone to the restroom, taken out your phone and talked into your journal (Check out “Day One App” in Your Apple Story for the spot journaling!) you could have become more aware and avoided the blowout. You could have healed the split between the conscious and the unconscious by simply jotting down how your buttons had been pushed and why it caused such irritation.
Then, as you each took five minutes to journal, you might both have realized just how much shit you have going on inside of you!
Maybe you could’ve said to yourself, “Damn! I better get a better handle on my thoughts and feelings before I shatter this beautiful day with a stupid fight.”
A person who takes the time to strengthen their ego does not then go out on a great date without getting a babysitter for those unconscious feelings living just beneath the surface of their ego. They don’t abandon themselves to go out partying irresponsibly.
Of course, these “hacks” are unknown to most people so they make the same mistakes over and over again. They get bitter and stop trying.
As a therapist, I see these problematic patterns dozens of times each week, so trust me when I say I’m an expert at noticing them in my patients’ stories!
I help my patients notice the splitting to then guide them in strengthening their capacity to withstand their feelings and learn how to recognize them when they start squirming in their unconscious. I help them address the fear—this is the work of therapy.
I believe that this work extends beyond the therapy room. Learning to do this inner work throughout the week is like pairing your workout with healthy nutrition—you’ll get stronger, faster. Consistently working on yourself to understand the feelings will make therapy work that much better, and I believe that everyone can learn to identify these problematic patterns to help guide themselves out of such devastating emotional traps.
Here are some tips I want to share with you:
1. Don’t forget you have an unconscious mind. The ego doesn’t need to be split off from it—just drop by and say, “hi!”
2. Keep in mind that all of our feelings, thoughts, memories, and genius live in the unconscious. By saying “hi,” you are opening the door to all of that.
3. You can invite your unconscious life into your conscious one by getting connected to your body, your emotions, and your breath (but not so much your thoughts!). Bring them into the “animal brain,” not the “computer brain.”
4. Notice if you have any anxiety; notice your heart rate; notice if your breath is shallow or deep. This is the animal brain.
5. If you notice a raw feeling that is too hard to grasp because it is too explosive— that’s okay! Give yourself some positive self-talk. Say, “it’s great that I am trying to heal my split, but it’s scary and I am all alone.”
6. Now you can ask: what were the triggers? Try not to judge yourself for your feelings. Don’t label yourself as “petty” or “pathetic.” Just write down what you can identify—your journal is private and sacred. Judgment has no place there.
7. Begin an active dialogue with yourself about what it feels like to talk to someone suffering from those triggers. Talk to them as if they were a child you deeply loved. You wouldn’t bully the child or tell them to “snap out of it!” Would you?
8. Forgive yourself for feeling triggered. Say, “it’s okay that I got hurt when she didn’t hold my hand in the movie theater.”
9. Give yourself permission to not bring up this material with your intimate partner right away! The ego may want you to share some thoughts first with a therapist or a dear friend. It’s okay to metabolize the unconscious before sharing its volcanic material!
10. Prioritize creating an intimate partnership with your own unconscious. Value it as much as you do your love relationship. Say “goodbye” to the unconscious and whisper, “we shall meet again, and I apologize for my neglect.” Go back to your date!
If you do these ten steps, you will be a star. I believe you will enjoy greater inner peace and better, stronger relationships. You will have taught yourself the valuable lessons of “self-soothing” and cultivating “transitional space.” I will dig more into those topics later.
Should you share this with your partner? A healthy relationship is one in which people can share their work on their cooking through a new language they create together. But to figure out how to do this without hurting each other’s feelings is hard and usually is the goal of a good therapy.
At the very least, it might be good for you and your partner to have a safety plan for when a good day turns sour. Create a plan so that you can hear each other without retaliating—so that you can have the ability to repair. This is what a mature couple builds together.
But, again: the first step is for us all to allow into our lives our unconscious. That means we have to try to move out of the Garden of Eden to dare to take a bite from the Forbidden Fruit. What this really means is that we need a journal. No kind of real growth can take place if we do not record our triggers, our memories, our thoughts, and our splits. You don’t absolutely need a journal, but it is highly recommended. Your mind can only hold so much information!
It’s not as hard as you think. But just like learning any language, practice makes perfect.
I’m curious: How do you deal with triggers when you are with an intimate partner? If you keep a journal, how do you do this?
If you want any advice about how to keep a “Healing the Split Mind” Journal, please don’t hesitate to reach out!
I am here to be an adjunct to your therapy and to encourage you to take the next step to becoming more of who you really are—and to improve your relationships! You have to do the work, and I am happy to cheer you on! Evolution depends on taking these first baby steps.
Dr. Doug